Man Versus Machine
by Habeous Corpus
Summary: Short oneshot. What happens when Jane matches wits with a lie detector?


**A/N—This is just a short (maybe :P ), funny one-shot. No, I haven't abandoned ****Mauve Secrets.**** I am very ahead on it and I got a lovely idea while eating Easter Dinner with my family. Enjoy!**

**Man Versus Machine**

The CBI had saved its pennies for something big. Something that could be indispensable to them in the field: a state-of-the-art lie detector. After the purchase, all CBI agents were required to take a workshop to learn how to use the thing.

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As Jane walked into the office Sunday morning, he was looking forward to a nice day. He wouldn't have to learn a darn thing, because he already knew how to detect when someone was lying. Without a machine.

However, Lisbon was seriously considering taking a few Motrin as a preemptive strike against the impending stress headache. The new detector was supposed to be "slightly challenging," according to the memo. Which meant it was going to be pure hell. As she walked into the basement where the workshop was being held, she noted with pleasure that the rest of the team was already there.

"Good morning, everyone!" the instructor began. "My name is Mary Collogue, and I'm glad you could be here today."

"It was either here or the unemployment office," Cho whispered to Jane. Jane just smiled.

'The first thing you all should know is that a lie detector doesn't know the difference between a lie and a true statement; it measures physical responses."

"I know the difference; so why did we waste the money on that hunk of junk?" Jane quipped to Cho.

The instructor ignored him and continued, "I thought it would be helpful to get down to the brass tacks of a lie detector test before we begin. First off, you ask the subject three sets of questions: Irrelevant, relevant, and control. The purpose of the control questions is to establish a baseline. The irrelevant questions elicit a mild emotional response so that the relevant questions, which should elicit a larger emotional response, can effectively be compared."

"If I fall asleep, wake me up, okay, man?" Rigsby asked Cho.

The instructor proceeded to explain the features of the new lie detector to the group. The Organized Crime people asked so many questions, Lisbon thought it was going in one ear and out the other. Finally, it was 11:30. According to the schedule, they would break for lunch. Sure enough, at 11:31, Miss Collogue announced, "After lunch we'll do a little hands-on training, okay? Please return at noon; you are free to go eat." Instantly the room filled with a swell of noise as all the agents in attendance rose and stretched.

None of the Special Cases agents was hungry, not even Rigsby, and so they just opted to spend their half-hour reprieve talking at their desks in the bullpen. Jane flopped onto the couch, and laid there with a devilish grin.

"Hey, Jane, let me in on the evil plan," Cho deadpanned.

"I don't think I will. Besides, you'd be a fifth wheel. And that's no small feat since we'd be the only two guys in on it." Jane put his hands behind his head and settled more deeply into relaxation.

The half hour flew by quickly, and it was time to come back to the stuffy basement. Miss Collogue took her place at the front of the room at exactly 12:01. Van Pelt couldn't help but wonder if she was doing it on purpose. "All right, everybody. It's time to start the hands-on training we discussed earlier. We'll start with a traditional exercise. Could I have a volunteer?" Instantly, Jane's entire body language changed. You could tell from looking at him that he _really_ did not want to do this. "You, sir. The one who is wishing that the floor would swallow him whole." She pointed at Jane. "You are going to be the tester for this exercise. You are going to test two people in this room to find out if they have the five dollar bill." Miss Collogue produced a five-dollar bill with a flourish. "Please leave the room." As Jane left, he flashed a grin to his colleagues that screamed, "My evil plan is working!"

Cho couldn't help thinking: _That sly dog…_

"Now I need two more volunteers. Anybody?" A few people raised their hands. "You and you in the back." She had selected Abigail Holtz from Special Victims, and Timothy Mites from Vice Squad. She handed Jerry the five-dollar bill to pocket, and told him to put on his best poker face. Then she sent him out to go get Jane. Jane walked in, and gave them both soul-searching, piercing glances that had become his trademark.

"So, should we do ladies first? Or would you like to go first, Tim?" Jane asked.

"I'll go first, Patrick," replied Timothy. Jane hooked him up to the machine, and the test began. He whizzed through the control questions, and hit a few bumps in the irrelevant set. It didn't help that Miss Collogue took his every fault and turned it into a "learning opportunity," as she called it. After finishing the set of related questions, he turned his attention to Holtz. It went a little smoother, because Jane had learned how to effectively tune out the annoying instructor. After finishing with her, Miss Collogue asked Jane who he thought had the five-dollar bill.

"I believe that Timothy did it." Lisbon and the rest of the team just smiled.

"But didn't Abigail have more convincing test results?"

Jane just smirked. "Being attracted to someone will do that to you. And you're right, she did have more convincing test results. It almost fooled me. However, I was getting moderate spikes on every related question. That signifies focus. His body language also projected an air of false bravado. He appeared almost nonchalant. That's why I think he did it."

"Mr. Jane, I don't understand," Miss Collogue stammered.

"If you were being interrogated by way of lie detector, wouldn't you be intimidated, just a little? I would." He just grinned at her. "Besides, Abigail had consistent spikes all the way through, and they were highest at the beginning. It was her baseline at the time."

Then Timothy spoke up. "You're right, man. I had it." With that, he handed the five-dollar bill back to Miss Collogue and took his seat. Rigsby couldn't help himself; he started cracking up.

The rest of the lesson went by quickly. At the end, right before Jane left, Miss Collogue called him to her. "How did you know that?"

"Simple. I kinda sorta paid attention to the machine, and focused on the people. Like I always do," he said triumphantly. With that, he turned and left.

Jane:1; Machine:0.

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**The stuff about the lie detector is true; I got it from a book called **_**Forbidden Knowledge**_** by Michael Powell. Very nice book ;) **

**Happy Easter!**


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